Feeling Loved

25 Nov 2019

I recently had a working trip to KL.  It wasn't in my intention to meet up with Jack.  But deep inside me, I love Jack, so I decided to message him on the night of 19th.  He replied in the morning of the 20th and we met up that night.

He came to my hotel and I went down to meet him.  Brought him to my room and all the feelings came back.  I love Jack.  That's all I can remember and that's all I felt.  So we kissed, hugged and made love (although I was scared of his size) .  Later we took photos too before he left.

On the way down, he looked at me and kinda touched me on my side.  He didn't say anything but that gesture was enough to tell me that he likes me very much. I walked him to his bike parked in front of my hotel.  He then gave me a hug and to my sweetest surprise, he even kissed me in 'public' and I responded to it.  At that point in time, I was in Cloud 9 and I'm very sure that he loves me too.  

A simple man, yet a bit 'duh' type... yet sooooooooooooooo sweet.  Brought a lot of feelings and love and happy hormones to me.  I know I love this man.  But part of his heart belongs to another.  That's the hard truth plus we are miles apart too, so I guess I will just have to be happy with all the happy times that we spent together.  Even after 2 years not seeing each other and hardly message each other, that connection and feelings never subsided.  I love you Jack.  Thank you for being the sweetest man to me.  If I have the ability to bear children, I'd love to have your children.

I miss him so much.... if only I can be with him more often.  I love you Jack.

For My Final Journey

I have finally decided that I want to get my final resting place.  Talked it over with mum and she is agreeable to the idea... although I'm only 49 this year.

After surveyed the available 'spaces' during All Souls' Day, I made a decision to purchase the one closest to mum and dad.

Although happy that I'd made up my mind on this matter, I feel terribly sad about it.  It's like, there's no meaning to my life and it is all about waiting for that day to come.  My 'space' is for a single person and I guess that's how it's going to be i.e. me being single until the day I go and meet my creator.

Looking at everyone around me, the 'new' hopes are all so much younger.  I can't see how they will find me attractive and want to be with me for the rest of my life ... unless they are looking at my assets and properties.  Sigh........ I just don't see such future.  :(

Will I be ok?  

The end of a Chapter and The Beginning of a New Chapter

Today is 03 October 2019

Our relationship started on 01 January 2018. And now is has come to an end. I feel very sad but relieved at the same time. For I had found a boyfriend to love but to be honest, I did not feel much of his love, yet being showered with sarcasm ever so often. Hence, I am relieved with this decision as I can be myself once again. I pray that he will stay healthy and happy always. Dear God, please protect him and give him a good life. I pray also that I have made the right decision on this matter.

This message was sent through WeChat and it's a reminder for myself:

hi we have been very quiet i feel that our situation is very negative over the last few weeks, i have felt that we have drifted very far apart
i feel that you are not happy with me i feel that you are always not happy with me i feel that i can never live up to what you expect from me
so i feel that it is best for us to be just friends i hope you can find the partner that will love you the way that you want i know that i am too committed to my family. i admit it and I have told you that from the beginning
i'm sad and very disturbed by this decision but i feel that it is best for both of us promise me that you will look after yourself and find your own happiness I am sorry to have hurt you and disappoint you. i hope you can forgive me but thank you for your love during this time that we are together you will always have a special place in my heart

To that he replied:

Xie xie ni (Thank you)
Wo men hai shi pen you (We are still friends)
Ru guo hai xiang gen wo zuo pen you (If you still want to be friends)
Hen kai xing ren si ni (Very happy to have known you)
Gan xie ze xie re zi de pei ban (Thank you for your companionship during these times)

I feel so sad reading his reply. I thought it was easy but it's not. My heart aches but I will not turn back. Many things in my life has happened over the last 2 years and I will not turn back. I have to be stronger and i pray that God will bless his life and look after him for me.

It's Been A While

18 Sept 2019

It's been a very long while since I last posted.  So much has happened.  Dad passed away more than 3 years ago.  I am finally promoted at work after 17 years.  In a relationship for almost 2 years.

Although dad had passed for more than 3 years, I still miss him so dearly. Often I will cry thinking about him and his last days in the hospital.  When I looked at him then and feeling useless for I couldn't do anything for him to make him feel better.  :(  Now mum and I are going to Singapore for a trip and we miss him too because he is not with us.  I have no one to talk to on my feelings.  Having this current boyfriend does not seem to do any good either.  All he is giving me are frustrations and mental torture.  As of today, I am almost 100% certain that I will break off from this relationship.  The things that are keeping me from doing that is his health and financial conditions.  But those will not be the right reasons for me to continue with an unhappy relationship.  I feel so sad and guilty.  But why should I feel guilty when I have done nothing wrong?  All my life, I feel that I have not met the right guy.  I'm already 49 this year and yet I still haven't found my soulmate.  I will leave that in God's hands.  Amen.

Feel like crying. But seems like life wants me to toughen up and live my life.  Over the last 2 years also, work had been the most challenging and it almost broke me down mentally. Is it true what some friends say about me that I am prone to mental abuse i.e. to be psycho-ed mentally to do things for other people ... basically meaning that I am always bullied into doing things for others? Dear God, why am I going through my life with all these kind of people?  What am I suppose to learn from this?  :(

I guess that's all I feel like saying today.  I pray that life will be smooth for me and my family members.  I love them all and I'd give my life and happiness in exchange for their health and happiness.  May God protect and keep them safe from all evil and harm.  Amen.

Nick babe

7 January 2014

The day Nick left Kuching again.

Nick came back to Kuching on 31 December 2013.  

I took the afternoon off and went to fetch him from the airport.  He look as gorgeous as ever. Time spent together are as follow:
31 Dec  KIA, Kopitiam at P101, Met at City1, Dinner at my home, Bought Bday gift
1 Jan     Met up at Plaza M, Coffee, Satay and Kway Chap
2 Jan     Met up after work at Spring.. dinner
3 Jan     Took the day off, Beef Noodles, Small coffee place, Souvenir, short rest at my house,                  Movie, Starbucks and Birthday gift.  :)
4 Jan     Came to pick me and we had coffee at bing then back to my home for quick dinner 
              and rest
5 Jan     Met up for group dinner, then send him home
6 Jan     He fell sick, went to pick him up and had chai at bing, bought herbal tea for him and 
              sent him to his dinner plans.  we had a chat and i still tell him just how much i love him
7 Jan     He flew out and i couldn't go as i am at work.  :( 

I love you Nick  <3

206

So where should I start?

Today is 7 January 2014

Tried to update my blog but couldn't log in last week.  Strange.

Anyways, I wanted to say that Rafik has kind of come back into my life again.  October was basically quiet from him and I was then involved with Tze Chung.  I will have a separate post on TC in another time.

But I went out with Rafik again on 24 November 2013.  We didn't do much but just went out for movie.  Held his hand a bit but he din want to have me doing that too much.  I felt the distance. :(

After that i continued to msg him and had been getting reasonable response from him.  So i continued until i he mentioned that he found out his partner had cheated on him with on of his friends.  :(

As an opportunist, I just continue to be nice to him and i asked him out again before Christmas.  Things came up and dad got sick and i couldn't go out.  I was disappointed but dad is more important and Rafik understood that.  We continued to msg and i started to call him 'Babe' again.  

We went out when my dad got better.  It was 29 December.  When i reached his place, i called him and he was asleep.  :)  So he came down and i held his hand while in my car.  He was noti and let me touch him.  I was both shocked and thrilled by the state of 'excitement' he was in.  Told him that i wanted to taste him and that led to 206.  While he waited, i went to buy the necessary things.  We wanted each other and that night i was his again completely.  It was just perfect and all meant to be.  He came inside me and kissed me.  After that, we held each other and had a chat before we went for it the second time.  He din cum though but yeah he felt good inside me.  We had a shower n then had supper and i drove him home.

Since then he has been my babe and he replies every time i msg him.    He let me say that he is my bf too .  wow!!  yay!

In the last 2 days I have been giving him wake up calls and we plan to go out for dinner tomorrow (8th).  Really want to spend more time with him.  :)

Love u babe.  :)

Really interesting to see where this will lead to......

Closure

10 September 2013 Tuesday

I have been busy.  In a way it is good to keep my mind off things.

Since last Friday, 6 September, Rafik started to reply me a bit more on WhatsApp.  By Saturday, which was 2 weeks from his silence, he started to be more chatty like how he was before.  That made me happy but confused at the same time with my feelings.  But I chose to feel happy simply because i love him too much to hold any grudges with him.

I took the opportunity to ask him out again on Saturday and this is for Sunday and he said he will think about it.  By Sunday, 8 September, I asked him again and he said yes to go out for dinner with me.  I was soooooo happy and because my birthday is coming up, I wanted him to celebrate my birthday with me.  He continued to be very responsive over WhatsApp and I am just thrilled... estatic!!!

That night, I got all dressed up; with a black shirt and jeans and brought my DSLR camera with me.  Made my dinner reservations in the afternoon and went to pick him up.  He was running late as he needed to shift rooms at the uni hostel.  I waited for more than 20 mins and he appeared.  I didn't mind waiting for him and was just sooo happy to see him with a new haircut. He is simply gorgeous!!  Love u so much babe.

He asked me to drive him to the laundry shop and when he got into my car, i held his hand.  It felt like heaven to touch him again.  And we held hands all the way.  I told him that we shouldn't be too late as i had made dinner reservations.  He asked where i was taking him and assumed McDonalds (jokingly).  :)  So cute!!!

When we arrived at the dinner place (Italian), we sat down and made our orders.  Then i wanted to take pictures with him.  So we did take a few.... before and during dinner.  He was very obliging and he enjoyed doing so with me.  After dinner we sat in my car and chat for a bit.  We talked about why he was silence for the 2 weeks and he answered that I should start to get used to it as he will be leaving soon.  He said that he doesn't want me to be sad or himself to be sad.  :(  That's sweet in his own ways but i told him that it doesn't work for me that way and i don't want him to be silent with me.  I asked him to consider doing his Masters and he knows that my main intention is to have him stay here.  I asked also if he does not have a partner, if he would accept me in his life and he said 50/50.  I looked at him and he said he knows what I wanted him to answer and that I should know his answer but he wouldn't say it ... so just a 50/50.  I took that as that he will be with me as the answer because it felt that way when he said he wouldn't answer me and that I should know his answer.

Then we went for a drive ... to the airport and back into town.  As we passed the first flyover, he teased me by putting my hand to his crotch.  Then he retracted and said he just wanted to tease.  I told him that I have not stopped wanting him but I am just not suggesting it because I don't want to put him in the position where he will feel bad again.  :(  

We drove to Batu Lintang, Satok ... over the bridge... back into town and went for a walk at Waterfront.  At the end of the walk, he stared to distant himself again and won't let me put my arms around his shoulders (said that it made him feel chained) and won't take any more photos with me.  When i drove him back, he won't let me hold his hands.   It is sad for me but I have to remember that he will be leaving and this is inevitable.  :(   Messaged him again when i got home and he replied.  I slept late that night for I felt sad.

The next day, I messaged him and he was very responsive also.  And I sent some of our photos to him too.  :)  During lunch, I heard the song on the radio "Everything I Do, I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams and i cried in the car.  I will always love you babe.  :(  I can't have you and I have to let you go.  :(  He knows how much I love him and I guess that matters a lot to me.

Today, he is packing some things to be sent back home through his cousin.  He posted a lot of things on Instagram last night and i saw them this morning when i woke up.  The sad feeling is there again as he is leaving soon.  :(  I messaged him and he still response to me all the time.  

I told him that night that if ever our paths meet again, I will continue to love him and if he ever needs anything, he can just call me and let me know.  I even told him that if he is willing to be mine, I'd pay for his Master's education.  

I guess it's up to God's will.  I feel that God has answered my prayers and gave me a good closure for this chapter.  I had a great time and night out with Rafik and a great birthday celebration with him.  I posted one of our photos together in my facebook page to acknowledge his importance in my life.  Then i also posted in my status in my WeChat hoping that he will read it, saying "No Good Byes ,,, Love Always and Always"

I will love u for always babe.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx