Feeling Loved

25 Nov 2019

I recently had a working trip to KL.  It wasn't in my intention to meet up with Jack.  But deep inside me, I love Jack, so I decided to message him on the night of 19th.  He replied in the morning of the 20th and we met up that night.

He came to my hotel and I went down to meet him.  Brought him to my room and all the feelings came back.  I love Jack.  That's all I can remember and that's all I felt.  So we kissed, hugged and made love (although I was scared of his size) .  Later we took photos too before he left.

On the way down, he looked at me and kinda touched me on my side.  He didn't say anything but that gesture was enough to tell me that he likes me very much. I walked him to his bike parked in front of my hotel.  He then gave me a hug and to my sweetest surprise, he even kissed me in 'public' and I responded to it.  At that point in time, I was in Cloud 9 and I'm very sure that he loves me too.  

A simple man, yet a bit 'duh' type... yet sooooooooooooooo sweet.  Brought a lot of feelings and love and happy hormones to me.  I know I love this man.  But part of his heart belongs to another.  That's the hard truth plus we are miles apart too, so I guess I will just have to be happy with all the happy times that we spent together.  Even after 2 years not seeing each other and hardly message each other, that connection and feelings never subsided.  I love you Jack.  Thank you for being the sweetest man to me.  If I have the ability to bear children, I'd love to have your children.

I miss him so much.... if only I can be with him more often.  I love you Jack.

For My Final Journey

I have finally decided that I want to get my final resting place.  Talked it over with mum and she is agreeable to the idea... although I'm only 49 this year.

After surveyed the available 'spaces' during All Souls' Day, I made a decision to purchase the one closest to mum and dad.

Although happy that I'd made up my mind on this matter, I feel terribly sad about it.  It's like, there's no meaning to my life and it is all about waiting for that day to come.  My 'space' is for a single person and I guess that's how it's going to be i.e. me being single until the day I go and meet my creator.

Looking at everyone around me, the 'new' hopes are all so much younger.  I can't see how they will find me attractive and want to be with me for the rest of my life ... unless they are looking at my assets and properties.  Sigh........ I just don't see such future.  :(

Will I be ok?  

The end of a Chapter and The Beginning of a New Chapter

Today is 03 October 2019

Our relationship started on 01 January 2018. And now is has come to an end. I feel very sad but relieved at the same time. For I had found a boyfriend to love but to be honest, I did not feel much of his love, yet being showered with sarcasm ever so often. Hence, I am relieved with this decision as I can be myself once again. I pray that he will stay healthy and happy always. Dear God, please protect him and give him a good life. I pray also that I have made the right decision on this matter.

This message was sent through WeChat and it's a reminder for myself:

hi we have been very quiet i feel that our situation is very negative over the last few weeks, i have felt that we have drifted very far apart
i feel that you are not happy with me i feel that you are always not happy with me i feel that i can never live up to what you expect from me
so i feel that it is best for us to be just friends i hope you can find the partner that will love you the way that you want i know that i am too committed to my family. i admit it and I have told you that from the beginning
i'm sad and very disturbed by this decision but i feel that it is best for both of us promise me that you will look after yourself and find your own happiness I am sorry to have hurt you and disappoint you. i hope you can forgive me but thank you for your love during this time that we are together you will always have a special place in my heart

To that he replied:

Xie xie ni (Thank you)
Wo men hai shi pen you (We are still friends)
Ru guo hai xiang gen wo zuo pen you (If you still want to be friends)
Hen kai xing ren si ni (Very happy to have known you)
Gan xie ze xie re zi de pei ban (Thank you for your companionship during these times)

I feel so sad reading his reply. I thought it was easy but it's not. My heart aches but I will not turn back. Many things in my life has happened over the last 2 years and I will not turn back. I have to be stronger and i pray that God will bless his life and look after him for me.

It's Been A While

18 Sept 2019

It's been a very long while since I last posted.  So much has happened.  Dad passed away more than 3 years ago.  I am finally promoted at work after 17 years.  In a relationship for almost 2 years.

Although dad had passed for more than 3 years, I still miss him so dearly. Often I will cry thinking about him and his last days in the hospital.  When I looked at him then and feeling useless for I couldn't do anything for him to make him feel better.  :(  Now mum and I are going to Singapore for a trip and we miss him too because he is not with us.  I have no one to talk to on my feelings.  Having this current boyfriend does not seem to do any good either.  All he is giving me are frustrations and mental torture.  As of today, I am almost 100% certain that I will break off from this relationship.  The things that are keeping me from doing that is his health and financial conditions.  But those will not be the right reasons for me to continue with an unhappy relationship.  I feel so sad and guilty.  But why should I feel guilty when I have done nothing wrong?  All my life, I feel that I have not met the right guy.  I'm already 49 this year and yet I still haven't found my soulmate.  I will leave that in God's hands.  Amen.

Feel like crying. But seems like life wants me to toughen up and live my life.  Over the last 2 years also, work had been the most challenging and it almost broke me down mentally. Is it true what some friends say about me that I am prone to mental abuse i.e. to be psycho-ed mentally to do things for other people ... basically meaning that I am always bullied into doing things for others? Dear God, why am I going through my life with all these kind of people?  What am I suppose to learn from this?  :(

I guess that's all I feel like saying today.  I pray that life will be smooth for me and my family members.  I love them all and I'd give my life and happiness in exchange for their health and happiness.  May God protect and keep them safe from all evil and harm.  Amen.