It seems like the end is inevitable. There is just nothing I can do to win his heart to love me. On Saturday night, 9 June 2012, he was out with friends and I tried calling him but he won't answer. I got upset and sent him an sms telling him that it hurts when he won't answer. :(
With that I didn't sleep well ... felt bad about sending it and everything about that feeling i had.
The next day 10 June 2012 .. just before 12 noon, Nick replied me :
"I don't think you realize that this is hard on me too. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I hope you know that. But it seems the more time I spend with you I hurt you, as I cannot give you what you're looking for. If I pull away a bit, then I hurt you again coz you think I'm ignoring you. Whatever I do I seem to only hurt you. I find this very hard and upsetting so I don't know what I should be doing."
I rang him back but he was out. So about 4pm he sms saying that he is home and I rang him for 20 mins. We talked and he just don't feel that about me. He still says that his heart is still with the man in Australia. :( I told him :
I think the world of you
I have not loved another as much as I love you for a long time
You grew on me ...and I feel in love with you after I have met you. It was not a crush thing
I don't want you to to ever leave my life
I don't want to lose you even as a friend
I still want to see you all the time until the day that you leave. Even if it's going to be difficult, I still want to see you and I will just have to deal with it when the time comes
Nick understands my feelings for him ... and he says that:
he enjoys being with me,
he is happy to spend time with me,
he want's to continue to see me again
but he doesn't want to see me hurt
he doesn't want to see me sad
he wants me to be happy
he wants our friendship
but he needs his space too
Rang him again at night ...and said that i want to have lunch with him today 11 June 2012. He asked me if i'm sure about that and i said yes .. i'd never not want that and that he's always welcome to come to my house and everything else remains the same too.
This is my horoscope today:
You need to remember that change is a constant -- and today, it feels omnipresent! Your energy may resist whatever is coming at you, but if you can try to flow around it and even embrace it, you are sure to be happier.
I know I have to accept the fact that Nick cannot love me. :( My heart aches for him because I love him so much.
He had a haircut and he looked so handsome today. I still kiss him on the cheeks and be nice with him. Keeps me calm.
Will see him again at 7pm for Starbucks event which I had signed up for him on Saturday.
I pray that I can let him go in terms of love. I will forever love him in my heart. I love you babe.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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