Nick babe

7 January 2014

The day Nick left Kuching again.

Nick came back to Kuching on 31 December 2013.  

I took the afternoon off and went to fetch him from the airport.  He look as gorgeous as ever. Time spent together are as follow:
31 Dec  KIA, Kopitiam at P101, Met at City1, Dinner at my home, Bought Bday gift
1 Jan     Met up at Plaza M, Coffee, Satay and Kway Chap
2 Jan     Met up after work at Spring.. dinner
3 Jan     Took the day off, Beef Noodles, Small coffee place, Souvenir, short rest at my house,                  Movie, Starbucks and Birthday gift.  :)
4 Jan     Came to pick me and we had coffee at bing then back to my home for quick dinner 
              and rest
5 Jan     Met up for group dinner, then send him home
6 Jan     He fell sick, went to pick him up and had chai at bing, bought herbal tea for him and 
              sent him to his dinner plans.  we had a chat and i still tell him just how much i love him
7 Jan     He flew out and i couldn't go as i am at work.  :( 

I love you Nick  <3

206

So where should I start?

Today is 7 January 2014

Tried to update my blog but couldn't log in last week.  Strange.

Anyways, I wanted to say that Rafik has kind of come back into my life again.  October was basically quiet from him and I was then involved with Tze Chung.  I will have a separate post on TC in another time.

But I went out with Rafik again on 24 November 2013.  We didn't do much but just went out for movie.  Held his hand a bit but he din want to have me doing that too much.  I felt the distance. :(

After that i continued to msg him and had been getting reasonable response from him.  So i continued until i he mentioned that he found out his partner had cheated on him with on of his friends.  :(

As an opportunist, I just continue to be nice to him and i asked him out again before Christmas.  Things came up and dad got sick and i couldn't go out.  I was disappointed but dad is more important and Rafik understood that.  We continued to msg and i started to call him 'Babe' again.  

We went out when my dad got better.  It was 29 December.  When i reached his place, i called him and he was asleep.  :)  So he came down and i held his hand while in my car.  He was noti and let me touch him.  I was both shocked and thrilled by the state of 'excitement' he was in.  Told him that i wanted to taste him and that led to 206.  While he waited, i went to buy the necessary things.  We wanted each other and that night i was his again completely.  It was just perfect and all meant to be.  He came inside me and kissed me.  After that, we held each other and had a chat before we went for it the second time.  He din cum though but yeah he felt good inside me.  We had a shower n then had supper and i drove him home.

Since then he has been my babe and he replies every time i msg him.    He let me say that he is my bf too .  wow!!  yay!

In the last 2 days I have been giving him wake up calls and we plan to go out for dinner tomorrow (8th).  Really want to spend more time with him.  :)

Love u babe.  :)

Really interesting to see where this will lead to......

Closure

10 September 2013 Tuesday

I have been busy.  In a way it is good to keep my mind off things.

Since last Friday, 6 September, Rafik started to reply me a bit more on WhatsApp.  By Saturday, which was 2 weeks from his silence, he started to be more chatty like how he was before.  That made me happy but confused at the same time with my feelings.  But I chose to feel happy simply because i love him too much to hold any grudges with him.

I took the opportunity to ask him out again on Saturday and this is for Sunday and he said he will think about it.  By Sunday, 8 September, I asked him again and he said yes to go out for dinner with me.  I was soooooo happy and because my birthday is coming up, I wanted him to celebrate my birthday with me.  He continued to be very responsive over WhatsApp and I am just thrilled... estatic!!!

That night, I got all dressed up; with a black shirt and jeans and brought my DSLR camera with me.  Made my dinner reservations in the afternoon and went to pick him up.  He was running late as he needed to shift rooms at the uni hostel.  I waited for more than 20 mins and he appeared.  I didn't mind waiting for him and was just sooo happy to see him with a new haircut. He is simply gorgeous!!  Love u so much babe.

He asked me to drive him to the laundry shop and when he got into my car, i held his hand.  It felt like heaven to touch him again.  And we held hands all the way.  I told him that we shouldn't be too late as i had made dinner reservations.  He asked where i was taking him and assumed McDonalds (jokingly).  :)  So cute!!!

When we arrived at the dinner place (Italian), we sat down and made our orders.  Then i wanted to take pictures with him.  So we did take a few.... before and during dinner.  He was very obliging and he enjoyed doing so with me.  After dinner we sat in my car and chat for a bit.  We talked about why he was silence for the 2 weeks and he answered that I should start to get used to it as he will be leaving soon.  He said that he doesn't want me to be sad or himself to be sad.  :(  That's sweet in his own ways but i told him that it doesn't work for me that way and i don't want him to be silent with me.  I asked him to consider doing his Masters and he knows that my main intention is to have him stay here.  I asked also if he does not have a partner, if he would accept me in his life and he said 50/50.  I looked at him and he said he knows what I wanted him to answer and that I should know his answer but he wouldn't say it ... so just a 50/50.  I took that as that he will be with me as the answer because it felt that way when he said he wouldn't answer me and that I should know his answer.

Then we went for a drive ... to the airport and back into town.  As we passed the first flyover, he teased me by putting my hand to his crotch.  Then he retracted and said he just wanted to tease.  I told him that I have not stopped wanting him but I am just not suggesting it because I don't want to put him in the position where he will feel bad again.  :(  

We drove to Batu Lintang, Satok ... over the bridge... back into town and went for a walk at Waterfront.  At the end of the walk, he stared to distant himself again and won't let me put my arms around his shoulders (said that it made him feel chained) and won't take any more photos with me.  When i drove him back, he won't let me hold his hands.   It is sad for me but I have to remember that he will be leaving and this is inevitable.  :(   Messaged him again when i got home and he replied.  I slept late that night for I felt sad.

The next day, I messaged him and he was very responsive also.  And I sent some of our photos to him too.  :)  During lunch, I heard the song on the radio "Everything I Do, I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams and i cried in the car.  I will always love you babe.  :(  I can't have you and I have to let you go.  :(  He knows how much I love him and I guess that matters a lot to me.

Today, he is packing some things to be sent back home through his cousin.  He posted a lot of things on Instagram last night and i saw them this morning when i woke up.  The sad feeling is there again as he is leaving soon.  :(  I messaged him and he still response to me all the time.  

I told him that night that if ever our paths meet again, I will continue to love him and if he ever needs anything, he can just call me and let me know.  I even told him that if he is willing to be mine, I'd pay for his Master's education.  

I guess it's up to God's will.  I feel that God has answered my prayers and gave me a good closure for this chapter.  I had a great time and night out with Rafik and a great birthday celebration with him.  I posted one of our photos together in my facebook page to acknowledge his importance in my life.  Then i also posted in my status in my WeChat hoping that he will read it, saying "No Good Byes ,,, Love Always and Always"

I will love u for always babe.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Quotes To Make Me Feel Better

6 Sept 2013 Friday

It's officially my birthday month in the chinese calendar yesterday.  Yay!!  

But i really don't feel that way.  The past few days I had been pouring my heart out to Rafik through WhatApps.  I wonder if it's painful for him to keep quiet and not respond to my love for him.  Sighhh...... The replies that I do get from him was 'Nite', 'It's Ok' and 'Morning' in the last 3 days. Even just that one word makes me happier.  It's better than nothing.  But I'm losing faith and I'm hurting.  

I have to keep myself positive though these words of wisdom:

“It's better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.” 
― Alfred Tennyson, In Memoriam

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder.  Giving up doesn't mean you are weak.  It only means that you are strong enough to let go." - Author Unknown

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Although at the same time the song 'It Must Have Been Love' keeps playing in my mind. :(  

2 months ++ since i know him and I am so in love with him.  I love you babe.  I really do.  

I told him this the other night:  If my love for you is hurting you... tell me n I will love you less cos I don't want to hurt you babe.

If there's anything upsetting... let me share it with u.

I love you babe.    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooooooooo

Is This The End Again?

2 Sept 2013  Monday

I really don't know what happened.  One moment we were good together.  The next moment Rafik is totally not talking to me.  On Saturday afternoon/evening he was still talking to me.  Later that night he still likes my posts on Instagram.

Then the same night I kept seeing him online but he will just not talk to me.  At 1 something am, he msg me to wake him up on Sunday morning.  

On Sunday morning, I woke him at 6am.  Yet, he did not reply any of my msgs that day.  I saw him actively on WhatsApp but he will not reply me.  I am so disturbed by this.  :(  What has happened????

I msg him yesterday and told him that i don't understand why he wouldn't want to talk to me and that it does not feel very nice.  I continue to see him actively online until i decided to go to sleep and msg him again asking if he wanted a wake up call.

This morning i saw him online at 7 something and decided to wish him a good morning ... still no reply.  This afternoon i msg him again asking him if i have done something wrong and if i had I am sorry ... still NO reply.  I am so SO SAD.  :((((((((((

It's my birthday month yet he has to treat me this way.  I just want to know what had happened that he won't talk to me.  :(

Things are so fragile!!  How can that be??  Have i loved wrongly again.  I just read this today and it disturbs me for i tend to love very deeply

"A cup of tea smells and tastes good, and it gives you energy.  But if the tea is too strong, it becomes bitter and undrinkable.  Love in this world is the same way"

But there are people who loves bitter tea too.  I am so lost in my thoughts.  It's making me dizzy. I need peace.  :(  I love you Rafik.  Talk to me soon... pleaseee!!!  :(

A Bit Low

30 August 2013

Had a  bit of a trouble waking him up yesterday.  Called both Rafik's number sooooo many times and finally woke him.  :)

Found out from his WeChat moment last night that he thanked me again for the 27 missed calls which i gave him.  Wow!! That many huh?  :)

And the wake up calls continued yesterday evening and this morning.

I hope this means something to both of us ... how comfortable he is with me and that i am someone special in his life that he wants me to do that for him.  I love you babe.

Donno when I will see him again.  Donno if i'll ever have his true love for me.  I just have to be happy with what I have been receiving till now. 

When it's time to let go, I really pray that it will be ok for me.  Cos i am sure it does not affect him.  :(

Waiting for that someone out there who I love who will love me back just the same.

A Week Has Gone By

29 August 2013 - Thursday

It's one week ago that I was out with my babe Rafik.  I miss him everyday.  But I am not able to see him yet because he is so busy with his job as the Liaison Officer at the Uni's Induction (Orientation).  Some nights he slept really late because he would hang out with his friends after his official duty, which finished late also.  

Hence, I have been giving him wake up calls every morning since Sunday morning.  He posted in his WeChat moment about this and thanked me (although no names were mentioned) for waking him up everyday.  It is not easy to wake him and I had to set my alarm to wake up early also just to wake him.  But i love him and I am willing to do that.  In fact, I love to hear his voice in the mornings too.  The one way of me being able to hear him everyday.  Kisssssssssssssss..... I love you babe.  However, he tends to WhatsApp me very late / early in the morning to tell me what time he would like to be woken up and the strange thing is that I can wake up to his WA msgs.  :)  The power of love?   :)

I really don't know if things will work out between us.  He will leave soon and I have no control over that.... and there is another person over there waiting for his return.  :(  So hard to accept this.  :(   Just yesterday i told myself that if i truly love him, I will need to let him go ... and if he feels the same about me, maybe he will come back again and work here.  I can only hope that it will work out that way.  He's so young ... yet i love him so much.  I'm sure there is a space for me in his heart.  Just want to fill all his heart with my love and ME.  I love you babe..... so very much. I want to be with you again so much.  Hope that will come true.  Hugs!!