Closure

10 September 2013 Tuesday

I have been busy.  In a way it is good to keep my mind off things.

Since last Friday, 6 September, Rafik started to reply me a bit more on WhatsApp.  By Saturday, which was 2 weeks from his silence, he started to be more chatty like how he was before.  That made me happy but confused at the same time with my feelings.  But I chose to feel happy simply because i love him too much to hold any grudges with him.

I took the opportunity to ask him out again on Saturday and this is for Sunday and he said he will think about it.  By Sunday, 8 September, I asked him again and he said yes to go out for dinner with me.  I was soooooo happy and because my birthday is coming up, I wanted him to celebrate my birthday with me.  He continued to be very responsive over WhatsApp and I am just thrilled... estatic!!!

That night, I got all dressed up; with a black shirt and jeans and brought my DSLR camera with me.  Made my dinner reservations in the afternoon and went to pick him up.  He was running late as he needed to shift rooms at the uni hostel.  I waited for more than 20 mins and he appeared.  I didn't mind waiting for him and was just sooo happy to see him with a new haircut. He is simply gorgeous!!  Love u so much babe.

He asked me to drive him to the laundry shop and when he got into my car, i held his hand.  It felt like heaven to touch him again.  And we held hands all the way.  I told him that we shouldn't be too late as i had made dinner reservations.  He asked where i was taking him and assumed McDonalds (jokingly).  :)  So cute!!!

When we arrived at the dinner place (Italian), we sat down and made our orders.  Then i wanted to take pictures with him.  So we did take a few.... before and during dinner.  He was very obliging and he enjoyed doing so with me.  After dinner we sat in my car and chat for a bit.  We talked about why he was silence for the 2 weeks and he answered that I should start to get used to it as he will be leaving soon.  He said that he doesn't want me to be sad or himself to be sad.  :(  That's sweet in his own ways but i told him that it doesn't work for me that way and i don't want him to be silent with me.  I asked him to consider doing his Masters and he knows that my main intention is to have him stay here.  I asked also if he does not have a partner, if he would accept me in his life and he said 50/50.  I looked at him and he said he knows what I wanted him to answer and that I should know his answer but he wouldn't say it ... so just a 50/50.  I took that as that he will be with me as the answer because it felt that way when he said he wouldn't answer me and that I should know his answer.

Then we went for a drive ... to the airport and back into town.  As we passed the first flyover, he teased me by putting my hand to his crotch.  Then he retracted and said he just wanted to tease.  I told him that I have not stopped wanting him but I am just not suggesting it because I don't want to put him in the position where he will feel bad again.  :(  

We drove to Batu Lintang, Satok ... over the bridge... back into town and went for a walk at Waterfront.  At the end of the walk, he stared to distant himself again and won't let me put my arms around his shoulders (said that it made him feel chained) and won't take any more photos with me.  When i drove him back, he won't let me hold his hands.   It is sad for me but I have to remember that he will be leaving and this is inevitable.  :(   Messaged him again when i got home and he replied.  I slept late that night for I felt sad.

The next day, I messaged him and he was very responsive also.  And I sent some of our photos to him too.  :)  During lunch, I heard the song on the radio "Everything I Do, I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams and i cried in the car.  I will always love you babe.  :(  I can't have you and I have to let you go.  :(  He knows how much I love him and I guess that matters a lot to me.

Today, he is packing some things to be sent back home through his cousin.  He posted a lot of things on Instagram last night and i saw them this morning when i woke up.  The sad feeling is there again as he is leaving soon.  :(  I messaged him and he still response to me all the time.  

I told him that night that if ever our paths meet again, I will continue to love him and if he ever needs anything, he can just call me and let me know.  I even told him that if he is willing to be mine, I'd pay for his Master's education.  

I guess it's up to God's will.  I feel that God has answered my prayers and gave me a good closure for this chapter.  I had a great time and night out with Rafik and a great birthday celebration with him.  I posted one of our photos together in my facebook page to acknowledge his importance in my life.  Then i also posted in my status in my WeChat hoping that he will read it, saying "No Good Byes ,,, Love Always and Always"

I will love u for always babe.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Quotes To Make Me Feel Better

6 Sept 2013 Friday

It's officially my birthday month in the chinese calendar yesterday.  Yay!!  

But i really don't feel that way.  The past few days I had been pouring my heart out to Rafik through WhatApps.  I wonder if it's painful for him to keep quiet and not respond to my love for him.  Sighhh...... The replies that I do get from him was 'Nite', 'It's Ok' and 'Morning' in the last 3 days. Even just that one word makes me happier.  It's better than nothing.  But I'm losing faith and I'm hurting.  

I have to keep myself positive though these words of wisdom:

“It's better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.” 
― Alfred Tennyson, In Memoriam

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder.  Giving up doesn't mean you are weak.  It only means that you are strong enough to let go." - Author Unknown

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Although at the same time the song 'It Must Have Been Love' keeps playing in my mind. :(  

2 months ++ since i know him and I am so in love with him.  I love you babe.  I really do.  

I told him this the other night:  If my love for you is hurting you... tell me n I will love you less cos I don't want to hurt you babe.

If there's anything upsetting... let me share it with u.

I love you babe.    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooooooooo

Is This The End Again?

2 Sept 2013  Monday

I really don't know what happened.  One moment we were good together.  The next moment Rafik is totally not talking to me.  On Saturday afternoon/evening he was still talking to me.  Later that night he still likes my posts on Instagram.

Then the same night I kept seeing him online but he will just not talk to me.  At 1 something am, he msg me to wake him up on Sunday morning.  

On Sunday morning, I woke him at 6am.  Yet, he did not reply any of my msgs that day.  I saw him actively on WhatsApp but he will not reply me.  I am so disturbed by this.  :(  What has happened????

I msg him yesterday and told him that i don't understand why he wouldn't want to talk to me and that it does not feel very nice.  I continue to see him actively online until i decided to go to sleep and msg him again asking if he wanted a wake up call.

This morning i saw him online at 7 something and decided to wish him a good morning ... still no reply.  This afternoon i msg him again asking him if i have done something wrong and if i had I am sorry ... still NO reply.  I am so SO SAD.  :((((((((((

It's my birthday month yet he has to treat me this way.  I just want to know what had happened that he won't talk to me.  :(

Things are so fragile!!  How can that be??  Have i loved wrongly again.  I just read this today and it disturbs me for i tend to love very deeply

"A cup of tea smells and tastes good, and it gives you energy.  But if the tea is too strong, it becomes bitter and undrinkable.  Love in this world is the same way"

But there are people who loves bitter tea too.  I am so lost in my thoughts.  It's making me dizzy. I need peace.  :(  I love you Rafik.  Talk to me soon... pleaseee!!!  :(

A Bit Low

30 August 2013

Had a  bit of a trouble waking him up yesterday.  Called both Rafik's number sooooo many times and finally woke him.  :)

Found out from his WeChat moment last night that he thanked me again for the 27 missed calls which i gave him.  Wow!! That many huh?  :)

And the wake up calls continued yesterday evening and this morning.

I hope this means something to both of us ... how comfortable he is with me and that i am someone special in his life that he wants me to do that for him.  I love you babe.

Donno when I will see him again.  Donno if i'll ever have his true love for me.  I just have to be happy with what I have been receiving till now. 

When it's time to let go, I really pray that it will be ok for me.  Cos i am sure it does not affect him.  :(

Waiting for that someone out there who I love who will love me back just the same.

A Week Has Gone By

29 August 2013 - Thursday

It's one week ago that I was out with my babe Rafik.  I miss him everyday.  But I am not able to see him yet because he is so busy with his job as the Liaison Officer at the Uni's Induction (Orientation).  Some nights he slept really late because he would hang out with his friends after his official duty, which finished late also.  

Hence, I have been giving him wake up calls every morning since Sunday morning.  He posted in his WeChat moment about this and thanked me (although no names were mentioned) for waking him up everyday.  It is not easy to wake him and I had to set my alarm to wake up early also just to wake him.  But i love him and I am willing to do that.  In fact, I love to hear his voice in the mornings too.  The one way of me being able to hear him everyday.  Kisssssssssssssss..... I love you babe.  However, he tends to WhatsApp me very late / early in the morning to tell me what time he would like to be woken up and the strange thing is that I can wake up to his WA msgs.  :)  The power of love?   :)

I really don't know if things will work out between us.  He will leave soon and I have no control over that.... and there is another person over there waiting for his return.  :(  So hard to accept this.  :(   Just yesterday i told myself that if i truly love him, I will need to let him go ... and if he feels the same about me, maybe he will come back again and work here.  I can only hope that it will work out that way.  He's so young ... yet i love him so much.  I'm sure there is a space for me in his heart.  Just want to fill all his heart with my love and ME.  I love you babe..... so very much. I want to be with you again so much.  Hope that will come true.  Hugs!!

Induction

Rafik is having his so called 'Induction' (induksi) starting last night (23 Aug 2013) at 7.30pm. During the day he has been very responsive to all the msgs I had sent him.  :)

He has also gotten his blood test results back and everything is good.  I reminded him again of the 'proposal' and hope he will agree.

He will be very busy with this induction and i told him that i need to see him again despite the busy schedule.  He teased tat our night out on 22nd was the last night.  :P  But he could see the sadness in my expression when he said that.  Will see how it goes ... at the same time, I hope my car will be back from the workshop so that i can see him and be with him.

I did tell him about my upcoming birthday also whe we went out on the 22nd ... and he teased tat he will not remember it.  Whatever!!  :P

Heart to Heart

This entry is for 22 August 2013

My car is still in the workshop after being there for more than a week.  It is just tooooooooo frustrating!!!  But I decided to drive the other older car out to be with my babe.

Wanted to buy a bouquet of 3 red roses for Rafik but the florists closed at 6pm.  I was disappointed.  :(

Nevertheless, I went to pick up my babe.  He was all dressed up ... white long sleeve shirt, jeans and dress shoes.  He looked so handsome, so smart... love him totally.  Held his hand while i drove the whole time.  He kept asking me to stay focus on the road.  :)

Drove him to the laundry shop to pick up his laundry... 2 big bag!! Goodness.  :)  Then we drove to the mall and at the carpark, i was very notti and i touched him.  He let me but teased that I am molesting him again.  :P  

Went to have dinner at Kenny Rogers.  At dinner, we took photos together and I managed to have a heart to heart talk with him.  I am just soooooooooo sure now that he loves me too in his own ways.  I asked him about the night of 31 July and he admitted that he had never done that with anyone else either and that he feel that I am someone special to him.  Took my breath away!! I told him that I had never given myself to anyone in that way before and that I did it only because i love him very much.  The way he held me and they way he kissed me ... it was all that matters.  And i held his hand in the restaurant while we had this talk and he let me.  He smiled and he was being serious with me with that conversation.  I suggested to him that we shud be 'together' again.  Although he didn't say yes... he knows that i needed him that way and that he's somewhat wanting that too ... just it's what i feel from him.  The heart to heart conversation made me feel soooooooooo close to him that i feel that we are a couple that night and i repeatedly said 'I LOVE YOU' a few times to him.  He responded with a sweet smile. :)

We then took more photos in the mall ... and watched a movie.  I asked him to sit close to me to keep me warm.  As the night progressed, the cinema got colder and i held his hand though he had them folded over his chest.  He didn't push me away but let me held his hand.

Movie finished late ... so i drove him back.  Could see that he was tired.  Held his hand all the way too till he got home.  Msg him after I got home and he replied.  :)

I wonder if things will get better with us.

Hugs babe.  I love you.  

If only ...

Rafik somewhat changed after he went back to his hometown for a week (3-11 Aug) and spent time with his partner.  What i thought i had achieved is fading fast.   He would hardly reply my msgs ... and he starts to give me hot and cold treatment.  One moment he is really happy that i am missing him soo very much ... another moment, he wants us just to be friends and that i should stop calling him babe. :(

But when he got back on 11 Aug 2013, we went out ... i bought him one red rose, a bottle of Body Shop perfume and a dinner.  Wanted him to know how much he meant to me and that i love him.  He was very happy with all that was given to him.  Had a really nice night.  

Went out again on 13 Aug 2013.  Watched 'Percy Jackson - Sea of Monsters' and on the way back, he grabbed me and took me by surprise as i grabbed his hard on.  

If only ........

I wonder if he loves me some.  I told him that i love him dearly.  

Time flies .... and he will be leaving soon.  :(

Will see how things go but with the hot and cold treatment, i will need to be ready to let go of this chapter.

If only ........

All for Love

This is suppose to be the post for July 31 2013.

Tonight I rented a room (212) and did it with Rafik.  It was nothing that I had ever done i.e. to rent a room to have sex.  Rafik was all into it.  Such a sweet man.  I feel all the love when i'm with him.  Despite him already have a partner, he wanted me that night and i wanted him.  

My world was all complete when he entered me.  His gazes and his every move made me feel wanted. Though he is much much younger yet he looked after me and we made love.  If only that can be more than just that one night.  He became very close to me that night as we held each other in bed after we showered. All was just wonderful as we kissed and kissed and did it again.  

I am in love with Rafik. :)