Feeling Loved

25 Nov 2019

I recently had a working trip to KL.  It wasn't in my intention to meet up with Jack.  But deep inside me, I love Jack, so I decided to message him on the night of 19th.  He replied in the morning of the 20th and we met up that night.

He came to my hotel and I went down to meet him.  Brought him to my room and all the feelings came back.  I love Jack.  That's all I can remember and that's all I felt.  So we kissed, hugged and made love (although I was scared of his size) .  Later we took photos too before he left.

On the way down, he looked at me and kinda touched me on my side.  He didn't say anything but that gesture was enough to tell me that he likes me very much. I walked him to his bike parked in front of my hotel.  He then gave me a hug and to my sweetest surprise, he even kissed me in 'public' and I responded to it.  At that point in time, I was in Cloud 9 and I'm very sure that he loves me too.  

A simple man, yet a bit 'duh' type... yet sooooooooooooooo sweet.  Brought a lot of feelings and love and happy hormones to me.  I know I love this man.  But part of his heart belongs to another.  That's the hard truth plus we are miles apart too, so I guess I will just have to be happy with all the happy times that we spent together.  Even after 2 years not seeing each other and hardly message each other, that connection and feelings never subsided.  I love you Jack.  Thank you for being the sweetest man to me.  If I have the ability to bear children, I'd love to have your children.

I miss him so much.... if only I can be with him more often.  I love you Jack.

For My Final Journey

I have finally decided that I want to get my final resting place.  Talked it over with mum and she is agreeable to the idea... although I'm only 49 this year.

After surveyed the available 'spaces' during All Souls' Day, I made a decision to purchase the one closest to mum and dad.

Although happy that I'd made up my mind on this matter, I feel terribly sad about it.  It's like, there's no meaning to my life and it is all about waiting for that day to come.  My 'space' is for a single person and I guess that's how it's going to be i.e. me being single until the day I go and meet my creator.

Looking at everyone around me, the 'new' hopes are all so much younger.  I can't see how they will find me attractive and want to be with me for the rest of my life ... unless they are looking at my assets and properties.  Sigh........ I just don't see such future.  :(

Will I be ok?  

The end of a Chapter and The Beginning of a New Chapter

Today is 03 October 2019

Our relationship started on 01 January 2018. And now is has come to an end. I feel very sad but relieved at the same time. For I had found a boyfriend to love but to be honest, I did not feel much of his love, yet being showered with sarcasm ever so often. Hence, I am relieved with this decision as I can be myself once again. I pray that he will stay healthy and happy always. Dear God, please protect him and give him a good life. I pray also that I have made the right decision on this matter.

This message was sent through WeChat and it's a reminder for myself:

hi we have been very quiet i feel that our situation is very negative over the last few weeks, i have felt that we have drifted very far apart
i feel that you are not happy with me i feel that you are always not happy with me i feel that i can never live up to what you expect from me
so i feel that it is best for us to be just friends i hope you can find the partner that will love you the way that you want i know that i am too committed to my family. i admit it and I have told you that from the beginning
i'm sad and very disturbed by this decision but i feel that it is best for both of us promise me that you will look after yourself and find your own happiness I am sorry to have hurt you and disappoint you. i hope you can forgive me but thank you for your love during this time that we are together you will always have a special place in my heart

To that he replied:

Xie xie ni (Thank you)
Wo men hai shi pen you (We are still friends)
Ru guo hai xiang gen wo zuo pen you (If you still want to be friends)
Hen kai xing ren si ni (Very happy to have known you)
Gan xie ze xie re zi de pei ban (Thank you for your companionship during these times)

I feel so sad reading his reply. I thought it was easy but it's not. My heart aches but I will not turn back. Many things in my life has happened over the last 2 years and I will not turn back. I have to be stronger and i pray that God will bless his life and look after him for me.

It's Been A While

18 Sept 2019

It's been a very long while since I last posted.  So much has happened.  Dad passed away more than 3 years ago.  I am finally promoted at work after 17 years.  In a relationship for almost 2 years.

Although dad had passed for more than 3 years, I still miss him so dearly. Often I will cry thinking about him and his last days in the hospital.  When I looked at him then and feeling useless for I couldn't do anything for him to make him feel better.  :(  Now mum and I are going to Singapore for a trip and we miss him too because he is not with us.  I have no one to talk to on my feelings.  Having this current boyfriend does not seem to do any good either.  All he is giving me are frustrations and mental torture.  As of today, I am almost 100% certain that I will break off from this relationship.  The things that are keeping me from doing that is his health and financial conditions.  But those will not be the right reasons for me to continue with an unhappy relationship.  I feel so sad and guilty.  But why should I feel guilty when I have done nothing wrong?  All my life, I feel that I have not met the right guy.  I'm already 49 this year and yet I still haven't found my soulmate.  I will leave that in God's hands.  Amen.

Feel like crying. But seems like life wants me to toughen up and live my life.  Over the last 2 years also, work had been the most challenging and it almost broke me down mentally. Is it true what some friends say about me that I am prone to mental abuse i.e. to be psycho-ed mentally to do things for other people ... basically meaning that I am always bullied into doing things for others? Dear God, why am I going through my life with all these kind of people?  What am I suppose to learn from this?  :(

I guess that's all I feel like saying today.  I pray that life will be smooth for me and my family members.  I love them all and I'd give my life and happiness in exchange for their health and happiness.  May God protect and keep them safe from all evil and harm.  Amen.

Nick babe

7 January 2014

The day Nick left Kuching again.

Nick came back to Kuching on 31 December 2013.  

I took the afternoon off and went to fetch him from the airport.  He look as gorgeous as ever. Time spent together are as follow:
31 Dec  KIA, Kopitiam at P101, Met at City1, Dinner at my home, Bought Bday gift
1 Jan     Met up at Plaza M, Coffee, Satay and Kway Chap
2 Jan     Met up after work at Spring.. dinner
3 Jan     Took the day off, Beef Noodles, Small coffee place, Souvenir, short rest at my house,                  Movie, Starbucks and Birthday gift.  :)
4 Jan     Came to pick me and we had coffee at bing then back to my home for quick dinner 
              and rest
5 Jan     Met up for group dinner, then send him home
6 Jan     He fell sick, went to pick him up and had chai at bing, bought herbal tea for him and 
              sent him to his dinner plans.  we had a chat and i still tell him just how much i love him
7 Jan     He flew out and i couldn't go as i am at work.  :( 

I love you Nick  <3

206

So where should I start?

Today is 7 January 2014

Tried to update my blog but couldn't log in last week.  Strange.

Anyways, I wanted to say that Rafik has kind of come back into my life again.  October was basically quiet from him and I was then involved with Tze Chung.  I will have a separate post on TC in another time.

But I went out with Rafik again on 24 November 2013.  We didn't do much but just went out for movie.  Held his hand a bit but he din want to have me doing that too much.  I felt the distance. :(

After that i continued to msg him and had been getting reasonable response from him.  So i continued until i he mentioned that he found out his partner had cheated on him with on of his friends.  :(

As an opportunist, I just continue to be nice to him and i asked him out again before Christmas.  Things came up and dad got sick and i couldn't go out.  I was disappointed but dad is more important and Rafik understood that.  We continued to msg and i started to call him 'Babe' again.  

We went out when my dad got better.  It was 29 December.  When i reached his place, i called him and he was asleep.  :)  So he came down and i held his hand while in my car.  He was noti and let me touch him.  I was both shocked and thrilled by the state of 'excitement' he was in.  Told him that i wanted to taste him and that led to 206.  While he waited, i went to buy the necessary things.  We wanted each other and that night i was his again completely.  It was just perfect and all meant to be.  He came inside me and kissed me.  After that, we held each other and had a chat before we went for it the second time.  He din cum though but yeah he felt good inside me.  We had a shower n then had supper and i drove him home.

Since then he has been my babe and he replies every time i msg him.    He let me say that he is my bf too .  wow!!  yay!

In the last 2 days I have been giving him wake up calls and we plan to go out for dinner tomorrow (8th).  Really want to spend more time with him.  :)

Love u babe.  :)

Really interesting to see where this will lead to......

Closure

10 September 2013 Tuesday

I have been busy.  In a way it is good to keep my mind off things.

Since last Friday, 6 September, Rafik started to reply me a bit more on WhatsApp.  By Saturday, which was 2 weeks from his silence, he started to be more chatty like how he was before.  That made me happy but confused at the same time with my feelings.  But I chose to feel happy simply because i love him too much to hold any grudges with him.

I took the opportunity to ask him out again on Saturday and this is for Sunday and he said he will think about it.  By Sunday, 8 September, I asked him again and he said yes to go out for dinner with me.  I was soooooo happy and because my birthday is coming up, I wanted him to celebrate my birthday with me.  He continued to be very responsive over WhatsApp and I am just thrilled... estatic!!!

That night, I got all dressed up; with a black shirt and jeans and brought my DSLR camera with me.  Made my dinner reservations in the afternoon and went to pick him up.  He was running late as he needed to shift rooms at the uni hostel.  I waited for more than 20 mins and he appeared.  I didn't mind waiting for him and was just sooo happy to see him with a new haircut. He is simply gorgeous!!  Love u so much babe.

He asked me to drive him to the laundry shop and when he got into my car, i held his hand.  It felt like heaven to touch him again.  And we held hands all the way.  I told him that we shouldn't be too late as i had made dinner reservations.  He asked where i was taking him and assumed McDonalds (jokingly).  :)  So cute!!!

When we arrived at the dinner place (Italian), we sat down and made our orders.  Then i wanted to take pictures with him.  So we did take a few.... before and during dinner.  He was very obliging and he enjoyed doing so with me.  After dinner we sat in my car and chat for a bit.  We talked about why he was silence for the 2 weeks and he answered that I should start to get used to it as he will be leaving soon.  He said that he doesn't want me to be sad or himself to be sad.  :(  That's sweet in his own ways but i told him that it doesn't work for me that way and i don't want him to be silent with me.  I asked him to consider doing his Masters and he knows that my main intention is to have him stay here.  I asked also if he does not have a partner, if he would accept me in his life and he said 50/50.  I looked at him and he said he knows what I wanted him to answer and that I should know his answer but he wouldn't say it ... so just a 50/50.  I took that as that he will be with me as the answer because it felt that way when he said he wouldn't answer me and that I should know his answer.

Then we went for a drive ... to the airport and back into town.  As we passed the first flyover, he teased me by putting my hand to his crotch.  Then he retracted and said he just wanted to tease.  I told him that I have not stopped wanting him but I am just not suggesting it because I don't want to put him in the position where he will feel bad again.  :(  

We drove to Batu Lintang, Satok ... over the bridge... back into town and went for a walk at Waterfront.  At the end of the walk, he stared to distant himself again and won't let me put my arms around his shoulders (said that it made him feel chained) and won't take any more photos with me.  When i drove him back, he won't let me hold his hands.   It is sad for me but I have to remember that he will be leaving and this is inevitable.  :(   Messaged him again when i got home and he replied.  I slept late that night for I felt sad.

The next day, I messaged him and he was very responsive also.  And I sent some of our photos to him too.  :)  During lunch, I heard the song on the radio "Everything I Do, I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams and i cried in the car.  I will always love you babe.  :(  I can't have you and I have to let you go.  :(  He knows how much I love him and I guess that matters a lot to me.

Today, he is packing some things to be sent back home through his cousin.  He posted a lot of things on Instagram last night and i saw them this morning when i woke up.  The sad feeling is there again as he is leaving soon.  :(  I messaged him and he still response to me all the time.  

I told him that night that if ever our paths meet again, I will continue to love him and if he ever needs anything, he can just call me and let me know.  I even told him that if he is willing to be mine, I'd pay for his Master's education.  

I guess it's up to God's will.  I feel that God has answered my prayers and gave me a good closure for this chapter.  I had a great time and night out with Rafik and a great birthday celebration with him.  I posted one of our photos together in my facebook page to acknowledge his importance in my life.  Then i also posted in my status in my WeChat hoping that he will read it, saying "No Good Byes ,,, Love Always and Always"

I will love u for always babe.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Quotes To Make Me Feel Better

6 Sept 2013 Friday

It's officially my birthday month in the chinese calendar yesterday.  Yay!!  

But i really don't feel that way.  The past few days I had been pouring my heart out to Rafik through WhatApps.  I wonder if it's painful for him to keep quiet and not respond to my love for him.  Sighhh...... The replies that I do get from him was 'Nite', 'It's Ok' and 'Morning' in the last 3 days. Even just that one word makes me happier.  It's better than nothing.  But I'm losing faith and I'm hurting.  

I have to keep myself positive though these words of wisdom:

“It's better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.” 
― Alfred Tennyson, In Memoriam

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder.  Giving up doesn't mean you are weak.  It only means that you are strong enough to let go." - Author Unknown

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Although at the same time the song 'It Must Have Been Love' keeps playing in my mind. :(  

2 months ++ since i know him and I am so in love with him.  I love you babe.  I really do.  

I told him this the other night:  If my love for you is hurting you... tell me n I will love you less cos I don't want to hurt you babe.

If there's anything upsetting... let me share it with u.

I love you babe.    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooooooooo

Is This The End Again?

2 Sept 2013  Monday

I really don't know what happened.  One moment we were good together.  The next moment Rafik is totally not talking to me.  On Saturday afternoon/evening he was still talking to me.  Later that night he still likes my posts on Instagram.

Then the same night I kept seeing him online but he will just not talk to me.  At 1 something am, he msg me to wake him up on Sunday morning.  

On Sunday morning, I woke him at 6am.  Yet, he did not reply any of my msgs that day.  I saw him actively on WhatsApp but he will not reply me.  I am so disturbed by this.  :(  What has happened????

I msg him yesterday and told him that i don't understand why he wouldn't want to talk to me and that it does not feel very nice.  I continue to see him actively online until i decided to go to sleep and msg him again asking if he wanted a wake up call.

This morning i saw him online at 7 something and decided to wish him a good morning ... still no reply.  This afternoon i msg him again asking him if i have done something wrong and if i had I am sorry ... still NO reply.  I am so SO SAD.  :((((((((((

It's my birthday month yet he has to treat me this way.  I just want to know what had happened that he won't talk to me.  :(

Things are so fragile!!  How can that be??  Have i loved wrongly again.  I just read this today and it disturbs me for i tend to love very deeply

"A cup of tea smells and tastes good, and it gives you energy.  But if the tea is too strong, it becomes bitter and undrinkable.  Love in this world is the same way"

But there are people who loves bitter tea too.  I am so lost in my thoughts.  It's making me dizzy. I need peace.  :(  I love you Rafik.  Talk to me soon... pleaseee!!!  :(

A Bit Low

30 August 2013

Had a  bit of a trouble waking him up yesterday.  Called both Rafik's number sooooo many times and finally woke him.  :)

Found out from his WeChat moment last night that he thanked me again for the 27 missed calls which i gave him.  Wow!! That many huh?  :)

And the wake up calls continued yesterday evening and this morning.

I hope this means something to both of us ... how comfortable he is with me and that i am someone special in his life that he wants me to do that for him.  I love you babe.

Donno when I will see him again.  Donno if i'll ever have his true love for me.  I just have to be happy with what I have been receiving till now. 

When it's time to let go, I really pray that it will be ok for me.  Cos i am sure it does not affect him.  :(

Waiting for that someone out there who I love who will love me back just the same.

A Week Has Gone By

29 August 2013 - Thursday

It's one week ago that I was out with my babe Rafik.  I miss him everyday.  But I am not able to see him yet because he is so busy with his job as the Liaison Officer at the Uni's Induction (Orientation).  Some nights he slept really late because he would hang out with his friends after his official duty, which finished late also.  

Hence, I have been giving him wake up calls every morning since Sunday morning.  He posted in his WeChat moment about this and thanked me (although no names were mentioned) for waking him up everyday.  It is not easy to wake him and I had to set my alarm to wake up early also just to wake him.  But i love him and I am willing to do that.  In fact, I love to hear his voice in the mornings too.  The one way of me being able to hear him everyday.  Kisssssssssssssss..... I love you babe.  However, he tends to WhatsApp me very late / early in the morning to tell me what time he would like to be woken up and the strange thing is that I can wake up to his WA msgs.  :)  The power of love?   :)

I really don't know if things will work out between us.  He will leave soon and I have no control over that.... and there is another person over there waiting for his return.  :(  So hard to accept this.  :(   Just yesterday i told myself that if i truly love him, I will need to let him go ... and if he feels the same about me, maybe he will come back again and work here.  I can only hope that it will work out that way.  He's so young ... yet i love him so much.  I'm sure there is a space for me in his heart.  Just want to fill all his heart with my love and ME.  I love you babe..... so very much. I want to be with you again so much.  Hope that will come true.  Hugs!!

Induction

Rafik is having his so called 'Induction' (induksi) starting last night (23 Aug 2013) at 7.30pm. During the day he has been very responsive to all the msgs I had sent him.  :)

He has also gotten his blood test results back and everything is good.  I reminded him again of the 'proposal' and hope he will agree.

He will be very busy with this induction and i told him that i need to see him again despite the busy schedule.  He teased tat our night out on 22nd was the last night.  :P  But he could see the sadness in my expression when he said that.  Will see how it goes ... at the same time, I hope my car will be back from the workshop so that i can see him and be with him.

I did tell him about my upcoming birthday also whe we went out on the 22nd ... and he teased tat he will not remember it.  Whatever!!  :P

Heart to Heart

This entry is for 22 August 2013

My car is still in the workshop after being there for more than a week.  It is just tooooooooo frustrating!!!  But I decided to drive the other older car out to be with my babe.

Wanted to buy a bouquet of 3 red roses for Rafik but the florists closed at 6pm.  I was disappointed.  :(

Nevertheless, I went to pick up my babe.  He was all dressed up ... white long sleeve shirt, jeans and dress shoes.  He looked so handsome, so smart... love him totally.  Held his hand while i drove the whole time.  He kept asking me to stay focus on the road.  :)

Drove him to the laundry shop to pick up his laundry... 2 big bag!! Goodness.  :)  Then we drove to the mall and at the carpark, i was very notti and i touched him.  He let me but teased that I am molesting him again.  :P  

Went to have dinner at Kenny Rogers.  At dinner, we took photos together and I managed to have a heart to heart talk with him.  I am just soooooooooo sure now that he loves me too in his own ways.  I asked him about the night of 31 July and he admitted that he had never done that with anyone else either and that he feel that I am someone special to him.  Took my breath away!! I told him that I had never given myself to anyone in that way before and that I did it only because i love him very much.  The way he held me and they way he kissed me ... it was all that matters.  And i held his hand in the restaurant while we had this talk and he let me.  He smiled and he was being serious with me with that conversation.  I suggested to him that we shud be 'together' again.  Although he didn't say yes... he knows that i needed him that way and that he's somewhat wanting that too ... just it's what i feel from him.  The heart to heart conversation made me feel soooooooooo close to him that i feel that we are a couple that night and i repeatedly said 'I LOVE YOU' a few times to him.  He responded with a sweet smile. :)

We then took more photos in the mall ... and watched a movie.  I asked him to sit close to me to keep me warm.  As the night progressed, the cinema got colder and i held his hand though he had them folded over his chest.  He didn't push me away but let me held his hand.

Movie finished late ... so i drove him back.  Could see that he was tired.  Held his hand all the way too till he got home.  Msg him after I got home and he replied.  :)

I wonder if things will get better with us.

Hugs babe.  I love you.  

If only ...

Rafik somewhat changed after he went back to his hometown for a week (3-11 Aug) and spent time with his partner.  What i thought i had achieved is fading fast.   He would hardly reply my msgs ... and he starts to give me hot and cold treatment.  One moment he is really happy that i am missing him soo very much ... another moment, he wants us just to be friends and that i should stop calling him babe. :(

But when he got back on 11 Aug 2013, we went out ... i bought him one red rose, a bottle of Body Shop perfume and a dinner.  Wanted him to know how much he meant to me and that i love him.  He was very happy with all that was given to him.  Had a really nice night.  

Went out again on 13 Aug 2013.  Watched 'Percy Jackson - Sea of Monsters' and on the way back, he grabbed me and took me by surprise as i grabbed his hard on.  

If only ........

I wonder if he loves me some.  I told him that i love him dearly.  

Time flies .... and he will be leaving soon.  :(

Will see how things go but with the hot and cold treatment, i will need to be ready to let go of this chapter.

If only ........

All for Love

This is suppose to be the post for July 31 2013.

Tonight I rented a room (212) and did it with Rafik.  It was nothing that I had ever done i.e. to rent a room to have sex.  Rafik was all into it.  Such a sweet man.  I feel all the love when i'm with him.  Despite him already have a partner, he wanted me that night and i wanted him.  

My world was all complete when he entered me.  His gazes and his every move made me feel wanted. Though he is much much younger yet he looked after me and we made love.  If only that can be more than just that one night.  He became very close to me that night as we held each other in bed after we showered. All was just wonderful as we kissed and kissed and did it again.  

I am in love with Rafik. :)

My Heartache .. The SMS .. My Horoscope

It seems like the end is inevitable.  There is just nothing I can do to win his heart to love me.  On Saturday night, 9 June 2012, he was out with friends and I tried calling him but he won't answer. I got upset and sent him an sms telling him that it hurts when he won't answer.  :(


With that I didn't sleep well ... felt bad about sending it and everything about that feeling i had.


The next day 10 June 2012 .. just before 12 noon, Nick replied me :

"I don't think you realize that this is hard on me too.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  I hope you know that.  But it seems the more time I spend with you I hurt you, as I cannot give you what you're looking for.  If I pull away a bit, then I hurt you again coz you think I'm ignoring you.  Whatever I do I seem to only hurt you.  I find this very hard and upsetting so I don't know what I should be doing."

I rang him back but he was out.  So about 4pm he sms saying that he is home and I rang him for 20 mins. We talked and he just don't feel that about me.  He still says that his heart is still with the man in Australia.  :(  I told him :

I think the world of you
I have not loved another as much as I love you for a long time
You grew on me ...and I feel in love with you after I have met you. It was not a crush thing
I don't want you to to ever leave my life
I don't want to lose you even as a friend
I still want to see you all the time until the day that you leave.  Even if it's going to be difficult, I still want to see you and I will just have to deal with it when the time comes

Nick understands my feelings for him ... and he says that:

he enjoys being with me, 
he is happy to spend time with me,
he want's to continue to see me again
but he doesn't want to see me hurt
he doesn't want to see me sad
he wants me to be happy
he wants our friendship
but he needs his space too

Rang him again at night ...and said that i want to have lunch with him today 11 June 2012.  He asked me if i'm sure about that and i said yes .. i'd never not want that and that he's always welcome to come to my house and everything else remains the same too.

This is my horoscope today:

You need to remember that change is a constant -- and today, it feels omnipresent! Your energy may resist whatever is coming at you, but if you can try to flow around it and even embrace it, you are sure to be happier.


I know I have to accept the fact that Nick cannot love me.  :(  My heart aches for him because I love him so much.

He had a haircut and he looked so handsome today.  I still kiss him on the cheeks and be nice with him.  Keeps me calm.

Will see him again at 7pm for Starbucks event which I had signed up for him on Saturday.

I pray that I can let him go in terms of love.  I will forever love him in my heart.  I love you babe.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOO

All The Smiles of Nick

Since I told Nick again that I love him.  He's been so sweet to me 95% of the times.  I have been really happy with him.  However, at the back of my head it still hurts to know that he will not love me back.   :(

Been talking to him on the phone on Tuesday 5 June
At 6.29am, I sms him saying "I love u babe. I won't stop lovin u"
He was having dinner at Jade Pot, then at bing.  Rang and talked to him.  Then again when he got home. :) I love you babe.  Kisssssssss...............

Went out with him at night on Wednesday 6 June
At 3.30am, I sms him saying "Hi my babe.  Hope u r sound asleep.  Rest well babe.  xxxooo love u lots babe"

Told me he din sleep until after 3am... and he saw my sms before he fell asleep. :)  Hugs babe.

Had lunch with him on Thursday 7 June and went out for an hour at night on the same day
At 3.15am, I sms him saying "Babe how i wish u r sleeping in de next room.  I wish to sneak into your bed n hold u while we sleep.  I love u babe.  Wish to hold u babe.  Xxxooo"  

During lunch, i asked him to let me smell his breath and he did ... and i kissed him after.  :)  He is a little heaty.  Not too bad.

Today is Friday 8 June.  I sms him at 1.53am saying "Babe i love u.  Wish to be loved by you. xxxooo"  .... and i have given him wake up calls and had a chat with him over the phone.  When asked bout his movie tonight, he said it shud be 9pm++  I checked online and it's 10pm.  I did tell him that i wanted to have a movie with him but since he is going out, then it's ok.  I will miss him.

Nick has been smiling a lot with me.  I love the feeling so much.  I continued to kiss him very close to the mouth these days.  :)  Kisssssssssssssssssssssssssss  ... and i love all the morning wake up calls for him.  :)

When I Tell Him That I Love Him

Yes I told Nick in person last night (Monday 4 June 2012) 'I LOVE YOU'.  He just smiled and answered 'I Know'.

I asked him how he felt about it and he said that it remained the same ... i didn't ask EXACTLY what it is but i remembered the time when he told me that he was not looking.  So that will remain the same as in he will not start anything with me.   :(

Somehow i feel that he loves me.  Just that he will not start anything with me.  I could feel the love from him ... i don't know if i'm sensitive or what but i truly could feel that from him last night.

I really really love Nick.  I sms him this morning telling him 'I love you babe.  I won't stop loving you.'

I m at a lost of what i'm feeling for him right now.  My heart aches because of him ... yet my heart wants him dearly.

I will just take whatever I can have with him.  :(  God have mercy on me.

I love you babe.

Happy Day To Remember

When i arrived to pick Nick up for lunch, he kept smiling when he saw me.  :)  I kept smiling too cos i was just estatic again.  This time it's because his blood tests result is clear and that's all that matters.

I really want his love.  If that's going to happen.  :(  On Tuesday night when we kissed... it was just all so magical for me.  I wonder if he felt the same or anything at all.  I wish to kiss him again.  Yet emails and sms that I have sent bears no reply.  He reads them but not replying them or telling me how he feels.

Will i ever be loved by Nick?

Dear Lord, I am thankful to you for giving Nick a good blood test result.  I know I am happy about it.  And I'm sure you do know that i wish for his love for me Lord.  I won't dare to ask for more from your Lord.  I'm sure you know how my hearts feels for Nick.  I pray that you will show some mercy on me and let me have some love from Nick.  A little love from him goes a long way for me Lord.  :(

I pray to you Lord.  Amen.

He Is WELL And SAFE

I sms him to drive safe and told him that im there for him always .... at 11.32am

Nick replied shortly after saying that all is good and that he has just left the hospital.  

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Im sooooooooooooooooooooooo HAPPY that i have weak knees just now.  

Rang him and told him how happy i am.  kisssssssssssssssssssss

Thank you Lord.  Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amen!!!

Will meet him for lunch.  I love you sooooooooooooo MUCH babe.

YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!