Early morning

This morning i woke up early.  Couldn't fall back to sleep becos i was thinking of N.

I decided to give him a morning wake up call ... 8.30, 8.45 then 9.00.  Maybe it's just me but i don feel anything there today.  He seemed distant.  Asked him for lunch but he said he needed to bring the OZ friends to the airport.  So there's nothing i can do.

I got all dressed up today... new pants, new belt, new socks ... cos i wanted to feel good ... cos D basically proposed to me last night .. and i shud be thrilled.  yet i let N eat me up!!  :(

I will not contact N again today.  I don know if i can do it but i will try.  so tired of chasing after the rainbow.  soooo pretty yet i can never touch or have it.  my heart breaks again .... again and again ... i may die sooner if this carries on.  :(

anyone out there listening to my pain?  :(